Bikinis and Banana Hammocks

Okay people. Listen up!

***Bikini Fever is officially OVER!***

After three months of hard training and crazy strict dieting, I competed and went home with an amazing experience and some rockin abs under my belt.

I came. I saw. I posed.

I have never felt healthier and more adventurous in my life and when I think back to the competition day, I absolutely CANNOT believe I actually went through with it.

The day before the competition went like this:

1) Drive to LA and find host hotel for tanning. This was an experience in itself and definitely deserving of its own Blog post (to follow). Ay yi yi.

2) After tanning, drive to the hotel that I was staying in for check-in.

3) Drive back to host hotel and check-in for the competition with the other competitors.

4) Drive back to my hotel to wait for my husband. Prepare for a night of not-so-great rest (thanks tanning shalack).

5) Attempt to sleep in dark sheets and blankets from home and stress about damaging hotel linens with tanning gunk..

The day of the competition went like this:

1) Wake up at 5AM (eeeeeeeeeeeeek!) after sleeping like crud.

2) Drive to host hotel for hair and makeup at 6AM.

3) Leave for competition site at 7:45 for 8AM briefing.

4) Arrive at site at 8:15 and completely MISS 5 minute briefing.

5) Learn that my category of competitors will be LAST to be on stage.

6) Wonder why I got up at 5AM to be on stage at 3PM.

7) Go backstage for tanning touchup and clear skin glaze before going on stage.

8) Pre-judging starts at 3PM, which entails walking across stage and performing practiced poses in front of judges.

9) Leave the site for IN N OUT BURGER!!!!

10) Return to show site and remember that we had to be back on stage after a yummy Double Double. (oops)

11) Go backstage again for second tanning touch-up/glaze and try to suck in the cheeseburger belly.

12) Back on stage for judges to award trophies.

13) Try not to trip as I exit the stage in 5 inch stripper heels.

14) Eat chocolate cookies!!!

15) Back to our hotel for a glass of Red Wine and a Cheese Quesedilla. Heaven. Serious.

16) Sleep like a baby after washing off the orange concoction that had been smeared on me repeatedly all day long.

The day after the competition went like this:

1) Wake up whenever the hell I want to and not go to the gym at 6AM.

2) Meet sister-in-law for breakfast.

3) Order oatmeal and egg whites and throw in some bacon so I can feel human again.

4) Tummy ache. Bacon is not my friend.

5) Drive all the way home from LA and revel in the fact that I worked my butt off for 3 months and just completed a competition with serious athletes and contemplate doing it all over again for a March show. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

Confession Session...

Ok....so the official countdown to Bikini madness is FIVE DAYS! Whoo~hoo!!!

OMG! How did three months of blood, sweat and tears go by so quickly. Okay, I exaggerated just a tad. Technically I didn't bleed (unless you cound the scabs on my forearms from endless planks on the turf), but there were definitely a few tears (exhaustion will do that) and a TON of sweat.

So, with almost all of the training behind me and the INSANE diet almost done, I thought I would take some time to write a little confession of the things I did wrong during my training. My loooooooooon history of Catholic guilt compels me to do this once in awhile. :-) "Bless me, trainer, for I have sinned", or something like that.

Starting with my accomplishments will make me feel better, so let's start there:

Rule #1 - NO ALCOHOL - CHECK!!! I am not going to count the ONE glass of champagne that I had on my wedding anniversary. Three months with no booze actually feels pretty good, though it did put a tiny damper on the social life.

Rule #2 - EAT 6 TIMES A DAY - CHECK!!! I followed that crazy diet exactly, even with a road trip to Vegas in the mix. Next week, I might break up with Chicken and broccoli for awhile. It's not you, it's me.

Rule #3 - DRINK LOTS OF WATER - CHECK!!! 1 Gallon of water everyday will melt pounds off like magic! I resurrected my size 28 FAVORITE jeans thanks to all that water. I think I have forgotten what soda even tastes like.

Rule #4 - WEIGHT CLASSES 3 TIMES A WEEK - CHECK!!! I came, I saw, I lifted. And when I got home, I whined, complained and stretched. Pushing myself there was a definitely a good choice. Welcome, buns of steel.

Now for the good stuff....

Rule #5 - 6AM CARDIO - I'll give myself a 1/2 a check here. Yes, I went to the gym many mornings at 6AM and yes, I was on that blasted stairmill/incline treadmill, but the effort could have been better. Most mornings I was there half asleep and completed 30 minutes instead of 45 due to boredom and my "I'm not a morning person"-itis. It's clearly incurable.

Rule #6 - PM CARDIO - I'll give myself 1/2 here as well. I will blame Thanksgiving (lack of gym while travelling) and my lazy arse for hitting these sessions only 90% of the time.

Ok, so maybe my confessions really aren't all that risque afterall. Maybe I just suck at cardio. I play soccer which requires quick thinking and lots of sprinting. It's a far cry from walking for 45 minutes on a treadmill pretending that 6AM shows are riveting enough to amuse me. I tried books, my Ipod and every TV show known to man. It did give me energy in the morning, but it was very difficult to get through. A buddy would have been a better idea, but then again they would probably would have made me get out of bed on those days when I wanted to sleep forever. Maybe next time around.

With this bikini competition right around the corner, I am feeling pretty good. My bikini is cute, I feel good about the work I have put in and I feel healthy. Did I mention that I am wearing my old jeans?? There really is nothing better than having a tangible reward for months of dedication and hard work and those jeans are my reward. I can't wear a trophy and feel good about my body, but I can put those jeans on (which no longer threaten to cut off my circulation or make me look like a sausage) and remember why I took this journey in the first place. I wanted to feel better about the way I look and challenge myself physically.

Rule # 7 - CHALLENGE MYSELF PHYSICALLY IN WAYS I NEVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE AND ROCK MY FAVORITE OUTFITS AFTER...

CHECK!!!!

Bikinis, Extensions and Spray Tans, OH MY!

* What am I training for?

* Is it a Fitness competition?

* Will I be running and doing pushups on stage?

* It is timed?

* Am I on a team?

I'm going to make this one short and sweet. No confessions about feelings, no details about family and friends, no outlines of diets, workouts, etc. Just one short video to clear up the confusion. A visual aide, if you will.

Enjoy!

Brazilian Bikini Bottoms at the Gym??

What. The. Hell??

The countdown to the December 4th Bikini Fitness Competition is ON! That date is fast approaching and I am starting to feel STRESSED!

1. Have I followed the workout plan well enough?

2. Have I lost enough body fat?

3. Is my bikini cute enough?

4. Will the lighting on stage show every imperfection?

5. Will the judges like my ghetto bootie?

I have spent some time lately checking out pics of other girls who have competed in these competitions. They are CUT! They have booties that won't quit and abs you could do laundry on.

I'll insert gratuitous hot chick photos here:





I admire these women and despise them at the same time. How did they do it? I have been on this HARDCORE program for almost 3 months (without cheating) and my bootie is certainly not rock hard. My body has definitely changed for the better (hello muscles!!), but I am not yet sporting the INSANE bootie that some of these girls are rockin. Insert temporary insecurity here.

So, here I am with 17 days left and I am feeling intimated and nervous. What is going to boost my confidence?

1. Extra Cardio

2. More weight training?

3. Increase water intake?

4. I have no flippin idea.

The magical confidence booster I was looking for came in the form of a bikini fashion show at the gym...while lots of people were working out...and gawking...and drooling....and dropping weights. Sorry boys. We are just practicing for our show. It's all business. Don't mind us.

I arrived at the gym with 4 other girls for a posing lesson. Yes, I'm serious. We wore our bikinis, stripper heels and double dark tans and practiced front, back and side posing. The girls looked amazing and we were all feeling good. We learned lots of tricks to disguise imperfections. Part of it is illusion, but most of it is A$$ kicking in the gym for the last 3 months and I'm on track. It was an unexpected cure for all the self doubt I was having. Who knew that parading around in next to nothing in a gym full of people with 4 other super rocked girls would help? It was JUST what I needed. Brazilian bottom bikinis at the gym was just what I needed. Yes...I might be a little crazy. Maybe.

So, thank you to the amazing ladies who are right there with me. Thank you for being nervous, being honest and having real bodies. Thank for being positive, encouraging and TOUGH! You are all beautiful women and I can't wait to share this incredible end to an insanely challenging journey.

Father's Day in November

Yesterday was my Dad's 61st birthday. When I called him in the morning, his voice was chipper as he asked how my day was going and how I was enjoying the training program. I mentioned that I had hit the gym at 6AM to do my normal, AM cardio. Dad (who has always been one of those weirdo morning people) explained that at 6AM, he was just getting up to feed the dogs and clean that house. At that moment, perspective kicked in. Guilt? Anxiety? Concern? Fear? Relief?

My dad has had a challenging year, to say the least. He had a major stroke in April that has left his speech slightly affected. He had the stroke a few weeks before he was supposed to have heart-valve replacement surgery. The surgery was a huge priority, but the stroke damage meant that the surgery had to be delayed. The valve was eventually replaced in May and he was feeling great. He was kicking my keister in the pool (I have never been able to out swim his old arse) and he was feeling better than he had in years.

And then the strokes came back.

Dad has been on blood thinners since his first valve replacement 20 years ago and regulating the blood levels has always been a challenge. When the blood is too think (or normal to us) and there is a synthetic heart valve, the blood clots around the valve as a means of protecting the body from the foreign object. When the clots around the heart valve loosen, they travel to the brain, resulting in a stroke. Preventing the clots is almost impossible, but they can be managed with blood-thinning medication.

Growing up, I learned a lot about strokes and how they can vary in intensity. I watched countless times as Dad's face would turn red in mid-sentence and he would utter some random thought that really didn't have anything to do with anything. Confusion often times accompanies strokes and poor dad's confusion and disorientation accompanied these small episodes without warning.

In August, Dad had another major stroke that also included a seizure. That's a new one. He had no history of seizures and his new heart valve was working great. Or so we thought. The doctors still don't really know what is causing seizures, but he is on an arsenal of medication to combat them.

So, there I was, chatting with dear old Dad on his birthday and a few feelings came to mind:

1 - Guilt - I was on a treadmill when Dad was just happy to be seeing another day.

2 - Relief - Dad made it to see another birthday. Yay!

3 - Anger - Dear Big Guy upstairs: Can you give the poor guy a break?? Seriously. For Reals.

4 - Anxiety - When is Dad going to have another big stroke?

5 - Calm - I am thankful each day that I get to talk to my Dad.

I was a TOTAL tomboy growing up. I was glued to my dad and followed him everywhere. He indulged me in my "need" for soccer balls, go-carts and wooden stilts to walk around in the yard. He never missed a soccer game and has read every single paper I have ever written. A published writer himself, he critiqued my work with a writer's eye that often resulted in 5 or more rewrites. And much to mom's chagrin, Dad NEVER made me brush my hair or make my bed. I love the pictures of me at 5 years old with long, tangled hair and my belly hanging out over my little jeans. Why would you brush your hair when it's just going to get tangled again when you go to the park/wrestle with the dog/play soccer/dig for worms/build forts in the yard? Duh.

So, I am declaring it Father's Day in November. I am not waiting until June. I am celebrating it now and reflecting on all the time I have spent with Dad and how proud I am of all the things he has pushed me to do. It's very clear that my time with him in limited at this point and I am going to value every minute I have with him.

Physical activity is an EXCELLENT way to manage stress. So, each day that I am on the treadmill , I remind myself that I am releasing some of the stress and anxiety that I feel about my dad. I try not to feel guilty because it gives me yet another topic to update Dad on. This program could not have come at a better time and I am thankful for all the stress I have released on that wonderful treadmill.

Happy Birthday/Father's Day, Dad!

You wanna take pictures of WHAT???

Welcome to the digital age. We now have the technology to take pictures of everything and post them on various sites for the world to see. We take pictures of our family, friends, food, the outdoors, things we find funny, etc. etc. Most of these pictures are taken by amateurs (my "I lack all artistic ability"self included) and some are not all that flattering. Lighting and angles are not always taken into account, which can result in the triple chin picture that always happens when taken from a low angle. Here are a couple tips I learned from a photog friend:


1. Chin down. Always.
2. Camera should be at a high angle.
3. Face the light.
4. Stop with the "duck face". YouTube that if you need to.
5. Bootie out, belly in, shoulders back.


Simple enough, right? You would think so.


So, I was chatting with a girlfriend the other day about my Bikini Comp training and the program designed by Stacey Cooper and she said she would never commit to a program like this because getting on stage in a bikini would never happen. She would never get on stage in her double dark, shiny, SHALACK and prance around in front of judges in a bikini and stripper heels. This girl is in AMAZING shape, but is also a little shy. I get it. It's not an everyday kind of activity and I sometimes doubt my own sanity when I really think about the events of the show I have registered for. Lots of ladies will be prancing around in their SHALACK, bikinis and heels to show off the hard work they have been doing for the last several months. I know.....

It's
Not
Normal


But, it is a goal to work towards.


We were talking about alternative goals to work towards and she mentioned a Boudoir photo shoot. Apparently, this super-shy girl did a Boudoir shoot for her husband before their wedding. She did the shoot with one female photographer in a studio with professional lighting and fun music. There were different chairs, walls with fabrics of different colors and textures and plenty of props to choose from. She brought her own lingerie and her 30 minute shoot resulted in 350 pictures, 50 of which she LOVED and made into a book for her husband.



She said it was all about lighting and angles and her husband LOVED them. High five, sister!


As women, we tend to obsess about our bodies. We weigh ourselves, monitor the fit of our clothing and chat with our girls about any weight gain or loss. That's just how we are and any marketing exec with a brain knows that as well. Ever take note of the commercials during shows on Lifetime??


I was thinking that my friend was a little odd for taking almost nude pictures for her husband, but then I also thought it was a really great way to capture the beauty of her amazing, pre-children body. It's important for women to feel beautiful and documenting that beauty for future viewing is a great idea. I got to see the pictures and they were artistic and beautiful.


If you are more on the normal side of the fence than I am and would rather stick needles in your eyeballs than prance around on stage in a bikini, consider an alternative fitness goal. Take professional photos, plan a weekend in Vegas, a girls' day at the spa or buy yourself a new pair of jeans. The goal can really be anything, but it should be something tangible and should have a definite deadline.


Does "I wanna lose 20 pounds by January" ever really work? Nope. There is no plan, no date and no reward. So, pick something super fun, get a specific plan, grab a buddy and get to work!


GOOD LUCK!!

Stripper Heels, Spray Tans and Bikinis, oh my!

Yowza! Week 8 of training has come and gone. Where does all the time go? I know where it went:

~ The gym where I lift weights 3 nights a week

~ The other gym where I do cardio in the wee hours before work

~ Trader Joe's and Costco where I am constantly loading up on food

~ The fridge where I am always adding and organizing food for the week

~ Facebook where I whine and complain about my lack of social life/comfort food

~ Standing in front of mirrors quietly admiring my new muscles (keepin it real :-))

~ My BED!

I have always loved to sleep, but you never realize how important it really is until you have to set an alarm for 5:50AM. If I'm not asleep by 9:30 or 10 at the latest, the morning cardio routine just may not happen. I am soooooooooo not a morning person and I blame genetics and my warm, cozy bed.

One requirement of this training is tanning! Whoo-Hoo! Those Jersey Shore kids have nothin on me! Okay...it's not THAT extreme, but it is important in this case. I opted for the spray tan route because it's quick, looks great and does not result in wrinkles, skin damage or Cancer. If you think that all spray tans will make you resemble an Oompa Loompa, think again. If the tanning solution is good, then you will have a beautiful, sun kissed glow. PS...it also always makes you look thinner, tightens the skin and definitely enhances the muscles a bit.

My tanning boutique of choice is Honeys in Santa Barbara. The owner, Christine Starr is also training for this competition and she is wonderful. She is offering a 25% discount to all of the girls in training (listen up, ladies!!) and has a few tanning levels to choose from. I went with the dark this time around. I trusted Christine's recommendation (even though I was slightly concerned about resembling Snooki) and it was perfect. Who knew this super white girl with Scottish blood and blue eyes could pull off an "I've just returned from Carnival in Brazil" kinda tan. I'm hooked.


If you have never spray tanned before and would like to, there are a few things you should know:

1. It's done in the nude. It will appear as though the sun shines where the sun don't shine.

2. You cannot shower, get sweaty or wash your hands for 6-8 hours afterwards. Got me out of doing the dishes.

3. Clothing should be dark and loose to prevent the tan from streaking/staining.

4. Be prepared to pose as instructed by the tanning staff, which yes, does include "turn around and bend at the waist".

5. Exfoliating beforehand will prepare the skin for the tan. Dry and grody skin will eventually slough off and give away your secret.

Don't be scared to take a trip to Honeys if you want to look nice and tan in the Fall weather. The vibe is warm and inviting and Christine is great! You will stand there in your birthday suit and she will make you feel very comfortable and make sure you leave looking like you just walked out of a magazine.

I will warn you, however that your spouse/significant other will probably love the new look and will probably fully ummmmmm "support" the new tanning routine.

Enjoy!


HONEYS - 209 E. CANON PERDIDO - SANTA BARBARA - 805-963-8300