Father's Day in November

Yesterday was my Dad's 61st birthday. When I called him in the morning, his voice was chipper as he asked how my day was going and how I was enjoying the training program. I mentioned that I had hit the gym at 6AM to do my normal, AM cardio. Dad (who has always been one of those weirdo morning people) explained that at 6AM, he was just getting up to feed the dogs and clean that house. At that moment, perspective kicked in. Guilt? Anxiety? Concern? Fear? Relief?

My dad has had a challenging year, to say the least. He had a major stroke in April that has left his speech slightly affected. He had the stroke a few weeks before he was supposed to have heart-valve replacement surgery. The surgery was a huge priority, but the stroke damage meant that the surgery had to be delayed. The valve was eventually replaced in May and he was feeling great. He was kicking my keister in the pool (I have never been able to out swim his old arse) and he was feeling better than he had in years.

And then the strokes came back.

Dad has been on blood thinners since his first valve replacement 20 years ago and regulating the blood levels has always been a challenge. When the blood is too think (or normal to us) and there is a synthetic heart valve, the blood clots around the valve as a means of protecting the body from the foreign object. When the clots around the heart valve loosen, they travel to the brain, resulting in a stroke. Preventing the clots is almost impossible, but they can be managed with blood-thinning medication.

Growing up, I learned a lot about strokes and how they can vary in intensity. I watched countless times as Dad's face would turn red in mid-sentence and he would utter some random thought that really didn't have anything to do with anything. Confusion often times accompanies strokes and poor dad's confusion and disorientation accompanied these small episodes without warning.

In August, Dad had another major stroke that also included a seizure. That's a new one. He had no history of seizures and his new heart valve was working great. Or so we thought. The doctors still don't really know what is causing seizures, but he is on an arsenal of medication to combat them.

So, there I was, chatting with dear old Dad on his birthday and a few feelings came to mind:

1 - Guilt - I was on a treadmill when Dad was just happy to be seeing another day.

2 - Relief - Dad made it to see another birthday. Yay!

3 - Anger - Dear Big Guy upstairs: Can you give the poor guy a break?? Seriously. For Reals.

4 - Anxiety - When is Dad going to have another big stroke?

5 - Calm - I am thankful each day that I get to talk to my Dad.

I was a TOTAL tomboy growing up. I was glued to my dad and followed him everywhere. He indulged me in my "need" for soccer balls, go-carts and wooden stilts to walk around in the yard. He never missed a soccer game and has read every single paper I have ever written. A published writer himself, he critiqued my work with a writer's eye that often resulted in 5 or more rewrites. And much to mom's chagrin, Dad NEVER made me brush my hair or make my bed. I love the pictures of me at 5 years old with long, tangled hair and my belly hanging out over my little jeans. Why would you brush your hair when it's just going to get tangled again when you go to the park/wrestle with the dog/play soccer/dig for worms/build forts in the yard? Duh.

So, I am declaring it Father's Day in November. I am not waiting until June. I am celebrating it now and reflecting on all the time I have spent with Dad and how proud I am of all the things he has pushed me to do. It's very clear that my time with him in limited at this point and I am going to value every minute I have with him.

Physical activity is an EXCELLENT way to manage stress. So, each day that I am on the treadmill , I remind myself that I am releasing some of the stress and anxiety that I feel about my dad. I try not to feel guilty because it gives me yet another topic to update Dad on. This program could not have come at a better time and I am thankful for all the stress I have released on that wonderful treadmill.

Happy Birthday/Father's Day, Dad!